Facing Reality
It’s a bit shocking how much denial I lived in for so long. I figured once my brain fog lifted, I shouldn’t let anything stop me from moving forward. I never considered that my exhaustion and pain were things that deserved to be seen and faced head on.
It hit me like a ton of bricks on Friday. I accompanied my child on their field trip. It was the most difficult thing I’ve done in quite awhile. I’m not sure why. I think because I’ve started to face reality in the past several weeks. I’ve started to accept my body’s limitations. Nothing I’ve ever done has been this scary.
Whenever my husband asks me if I need something, my response is “a new body.” It’s so shocking how much has changed about this body in three short years. Walking exhausts me. Being upright exhausts me. Regular levels of conversation are overwhelming.
I knew something was awfully wrong when my PA at the Stanford Myalgic Encephalomyelitis Clinic (misnamed Long Covid / Chronic Fatigue Clinic) suggested that she add an anti-inflammatory medication to my regimine. As if my rheumatologist wasn’t already prescribing me anti-inflammatory medications. Honestly, inflammation isn’t my biggest concern at the moment. It’s the pain and exhaustion that has overwhelmed me.
I am also frustrated that people misuse the term “rabbinate.” My rabbinate is not dependent on a paycheck. My rabbinate refers to my existence as a rabbi, a title conferred to me in May, 2022. I do not lose that knowledge or the experience I’ve gained over the last three years simply because I choose to move forward without a pulpit. It is only my pulpit that I will lose on June 30th, not my rabbinate.
Dating Chung-Mau Cheng made me strong enough to prioritize my Jewishness. He had a steady appointment on Saturday mornings (doing woodworking at a community college), which gave me the motivation to make Shabbat service attendance more regular. Throughout our relationship, his steadiness has created the space for me to deepen my Jewish knowledge, expand my understanding, and grow into myself.
For so long, overly high doses of thyroid hormone masked the underlying problem that has trailed me for twenty plus years. I’m sad, but I’m happy. I’m so grateful that my husband and my Chinese family have created the foundation we need to continue nurturing our children into adulthood. I’m ready for the future. Even if it means things like daily Omer writing is behind me.
New things are coming. The Indwelling Presence of the Divine calls to each of us. Let’s make space for Her.
Image by Karl Egger via Pixabay.